Deciding Whether to Divorce

The decision to divorce usually is not an easy one. It is common to go through periods of ambivalence when deciding whether or not to stay with a marriage. The ultimate decision may based on a combination of logic, intuition, and gut feeling.

Placing structure on the decision-making process can be helpful. If you are considering divorce, you might benefit from making a series of lists. The first two lists could be reasons to stay married and reasons to divorce. The reasons would include what you like and don’t like about your spouse as well as other factors, such as impact on your children, impact on your relationships with extended family and friends, financial security, and the day-to-day needs and services provided by your spouse.

You’ll note that not all items on the list are of equal weight. If you like approaching issues in a quantitative way, you might try assigning a number value to each item on the lists (“five” for high importance; “three” for middle importance; and “one” for low importance). Add the columns. See how the numbers compare. Put the list away for a while, and then look at it again to see if there are other factors or changes in the importance of items on the list.

Another list (somewhat related to the first two) is a set of goals for your life. Try to list all the important goals—perhaps a warm, sharing relationship with a mate; productive, happy children; time with friends; a satisfying job; financial security; travel; recreational activities; and spiritual growth. Then go through the list again and try to figure out how staying with your mate will advance or interfere with the goals, and, conversely, how a divorce will advance or interfere with those goals.

When a marriage is in a rocky period, it is common after yet another fight or another humiliation to think, “I can’t take this any more! I’ve got to get out of this relationship!” The time may come when that is true, but the negative times also may be part of a cycle that needs to be placed in perspective.

One way of gaining that perspective is to keep a log or make marks on a calendar regarding how you feel – about your spouse, your marriage, yourself, or life in general. Make brief notations (perhaps in code if you are worried about discovery) about how you feel each day. Keep the log for a month or two and then look at the overall picture. Do the bad days really outnumber the good? Is there a pattern to the good days or bad? Do the same issues arise?

The decision of whether or not to divorce boils down to the question: “Am I better off with my spouse or without my spouse?” The answer lies not only in how you feel about your spouse and how your spouse feels about you, but also in an assessment of how your total life will be different after a divorce. There may be prospects for a better romantic relationship after a divorce, but other things will be different too. Will that total cluster of differences be a net improvement or a net deficit?

On the subject of hope for a better relationship in the future, take inventory of the reasons for the breakdown of the current relationship and try to assess if you truly have the perspectives and skills for a better relationship next time around.

A deep perspective on what went wrong is hard to achieve. It takes some genuine soul-searching with careful attention to patterns that developed early in life. Many therapists have noted that people seem to have an unconscious radar that draws them to mates who have significant characteristics in common with their parents—particularly the negative characteristics.

Husbands and wives who had conflictual relationships with parents may have vowed not to marry someone with a particular problem. The husband and wife may (or may not) have avoided that problem, but often they zeroed in on a mate who duplicates some other problems from which they came. There is comfort – perhaps unconscious comfort – in things that are familiar, even if the result is conflict.

Before heading out on a new path in the quest to feel whole, it is best to be sure the path will be a better one. In that regard, it may be helpful to consider a study conducted by University of Chicago sociologist Linda Waite and her colleagues.  Professor Waite found that two-thirds of people who considered themselves unhappily married, but nonetheless stayed married, considered themselves happily married five years later. In explaining the results of the study, the researchers said the persons whose marriages changed from unhappy to happy fell into three broad categories. The largest group outlasted the problems. With passage of time, the sources of conflict or stress eased, including financial problems, job reversals, depression, child problems, and infidelity. The second group actively worked to solve the problem – such as by changing behavior or communication or by seeking help from clergy or secular counselors. For the third group, the marriage problems did not seem to change, but the couples were happier because they found alternative ways to seek fulfillment, despite a mediocre marriage.

There is not a precise, automatic formula for deciding whether or not to divorce. Many counselors, however, agree that there are certain circumstances in which divorce is often the best solution. A divorce may be the best solution if you are married to a person who is abusive; addicted to alcohol, drugs, or gambling; or severely mentally ill. Even in these circumstances, there is the added question: “Is your spouse genuinely willing to seek professional help?” If so, there may be a relationship worth saving. The spouse, however, must actually seek help and stick with it. A mere promise to change followed by a few days of improved conduct is not enough.

Describing more subjective factors in the decision to divorce, psychiatrist Dr. Peter Martin has written in The Ann Landers Encyclopedia A to Z, “In my experience there are only a few factors that would make a marriage impossible to save. One is the absence in both mates of the ability to feel sympathy for the other. This is usually accompanied by a deep unchanging hatred.”

Monitoring your own well-being may also help you work out if you need to get a divorce or make other changes. If you chronically feel sad or if you have low energy, trouble sleeping, and a difficult time focusing on day-to-day tasks, that probably is depression. Similarly, if you are developing anxieties or phobias about things that did not bother you before, or if you are physically ill more frequently than before, these too are signs of trouble. Professional help from a physician or therapist can help, along with an evaluation of how much of the problem is related to the marriage.

For many people contemplating divorce, there is not a single, dramatic circumstance that leads to consideration of divorce. For them, the problems do not include abuse, addiction, or mental illness. Instead, there is a growing malaise (coupled with anger) – a growing sense that the marriage is not working and that the relationship is draining more energy than it is giving back.