Marriage/Divorce Counseling

For many couples, the primary problem is communication.

This book is not a detailed “How-To” manual on healing an injured marriage. There are dozens of books on the shelves on that subject. But it is worth re-capping some of the main themes of marriage counselors on how to improve a marriage. Unless the need to get out of the marriage is urgent, these steps can be useful:

• Try talking again with your spouse about your feelings. Focus on your feelings and on your partner’s feelings. Talk about what makes you happy or sad – what you each need. Start with subjects that are relatively non-controversial and work up to more sensitive topics.


• Recognize that if you or your spouse came from a family where feelings were suppressed or punished, it is hard to talk freely about how one feels. But also recognize that neither one of you are mind-readers. If you want your spouse to understand how you feel and what you’d like, you have to communicate.


• Talk in a way that is non-accusatory. Name-calling and listing the other’s faults just adds to the anger and usually misses the heart of the issues. Humiliating or demeaning each other is not going to solve the problem.


• If anger erupts, take “time out”… leave the room for a while; take a deep breath; count to ten; hold off discussion of the issue until the next day. Don’t respond in anger. But do tell your partner what makes you feel angry or empty.


• In addition to avoiding verbal anger, watch body language too. A sneer or rolling of eyes can have the same counter-productive effect as a verbal assault.


• To help make sure you each understand what the other is saying, structure the conversations so that you each listen carefully. Allow each of you to speak uninterrupted for a few minutes. After one of you has spoken, have the other repeat the essence of what was said—without commenting on what was said. The goal at this point is to insure that you each understand what the other has said and felt—not to reach agreement on a particular issue.


• Talk about why you feel a certain way. Recall your relationships with parents, siblings, or former spouses. Think about why you may have an emotional allergy to certain things your spouse as done or said. Your “allergic” reaction may be more severe than “normal,” but nonetheless quite understandable when you (and your spouse) see where the reaction is coming from.


• If you have fallen into the habit of not spending private time together and really talking, schedule some time. Take a walk; go on a weekend vacation; schedule a series of half-hours in the evening (but not so late in the evening that you are too tired). If you have children, hire a sitter and go out by yourselves. If you can’t afford a sitter, perhaps a friend or family member can watch the children for a while.


• Find out what little things would make the other happy. Do them (and try to come up with a few things of your own initiative). Work up to bigger things.


• Marriage counseling can be useful. Counselors can be found through a variety of sources, including: family physicians, hospital referral services, crisis intervention programs, other community service programs, friends, Yellow Pages (usually under "Marriage Counselors”), and the internet.

Marriage counseling is not a guarantee of saving a marriage. In order for a marriage to work well, it takes commitment by both partners as well as a reasonably good match of partners in the first place.